I looked around my empty apartment and decided to hang out the window to yell good-bye as Curt and Adam passed through the alleyway. Either they took another route or they'd already walked through... and then it hit me. That was the last time I was going to see Curt. I started full-fledgedly crying. (and I'm even getting misty-eyed as I write this now two weeks later) When I realized he was gone for good, I missed him... and bad. I called his voice mail and left a tear filled message just so he'd know how much he meant to me, that I did love him and appreciate the few months we spent together. I then called Larry to occupy my thoughts, but before I could get any meaningful words out, I started crying. He asked why I was crying and I sobbed that I missed Curt: All he could say was that he thought it was sweet.
Before long, I pulled myself together and said good-bye to Larry. I called Curt's voice mail once again to tell him that I was ok, for him not to worry about me... and apparently my second message tripped the system to call Curt's pager. Before he'd gotten home, he called on the cell phone to say that he'd heard what I'd said. We talked a few minutes more then said good-bye.
August 25, 1996
9:21PM Based on Notes Taken
From Saturday, August 3, 1996
After spending the night half awake on a sleeping bag, I got up, packed the last of the things into one final box, then crammed my suitcases tight. When I'd looked around to make sure everything had been packed, I called a cab, packed the phone, then headed out the door.
As I got on the plane, I wasn't sad. In fact, except for Curt, there was nothing in Boston that I'd miss; the public transportation, the walking everywhere, the pure lack of a car. I mean, I was glad to have experienced Boston for two years, but when I was sitting on the plane, thinking about things, sadness was not an emotion I had.
When I got to the Cincinnati airport, Mom wasn't at the gate. She'd been there every time before, so we'd never discussed what to do if she wasn't. I walked around the terminal for a few minutes then decided to go to baggage claim. But on my way down the escalator, I saw her frantically rushing towards the terminal. She was running late and doing her best to be there for me. It was a really koool feeling to see her again and to remember how much she cares about me.
Normally, Mom and I would have driven back home to Kentucky, but she, Dad, and my brother were at a horse show (My dad trains horses for a living.). So, instead, she and I drove to Dayton to watch the show. I hadn't been to one in years, and had no desire to break that record. As a kid, I spent nearly every weekend awake until 2-3AM at a horse show. I never liked horses in the first place and having to stay awake for horses which I hated was... well, bad.
So anyway, Mom and I drove to Dayton for the horse show. After we'd been there for a while, I walked down to the ring with my brother's girlfriend. She and I began talking about my brother and someway or the other, we ended up talking about sex. She had her say on why my brother and she were having a rough time then when it came time to give my "two cents", I said, "You've seen my web page, right?" She nodded, then I said, "So you know I'm so inclined?" and she nodded again.
We talked for a few more minutes and she said that my brother knew that I'm gay (something that Mom, Dad, and I'd assumed for some time... but we'd never said the "g" word around him). She added that he loved me and all, but that he didn't like thinking about it much. I mean, I knew as much --as I've written about here--, but it was a nice feeling to actually have my assumptions confirmed.
Before the night was through, I'd been enlightened on several subjects. My younger brother and I had both passed into adulthood... and he before me.
From Sunday, August 4, 1996
Sunday morning, Mom and I woke and headed home in my car. During most of the two and a half hour drive, we talked about my life. By the time we got back, I'd confessed everything. I told my mom that I'd lost my virginity... to Larry... and that Lance, Larry, and I had had a relationship... that we'd all slept in the bed together... naked. She seemed remarkably unphased: It's still so weird to be treated like an adult.
From Monday, August 5, 1996
On Monday, I talked with my brother about his relationship with his girlfriend. It was awkward trying to have a serious conversation when most of our 19 years together were spent "Retard!"ing and "Faggot!"ing each other. Nonetheless, we had a semi-serious conversation where I told him that he needed to keep things "at home." It was hard for me to say that I cared and didn't want him to screw up his life, but I managed. In response, he told me how one of Dad's clients had slept with the barn help, a virtual "that's nothing; you should hear what so-and-so did." I talked a few more minutes and said what I could, but I doubt I changed anything.
From Tuesday, August 6, 1996
Tuesday afternoon, I worked at the video store and watched Powder. For the rest of the day, all I could think was how I need to make my life count. And what I realized more from Powder is that I long for someone that extraordinary in my life. Part of the reason I want a red head is that I want my soul mate to be as extraordinary and unique on the outside as he is within.
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© 1996 Justin Clouse