Justin's Life... September 1-8, 1996

Justin's Life... September 1-8, 1996

September 1, 1996

12:43PM Based on Notes Taken

From Wednesday, August 7, 1996

Wednesday, I finished preparing for the trip cross country. I washed my car, got two pounds of sliced turkey from Sam's Club, and packed my luggage. Wednesday night, I went to dinner with Mom and Granny in Lexington. During the night's conversation, somehow or the other, we got onto the subject of crooked penises. (It's honestly been too long for me to remember how we got there.) So, anyway, we talked and I said that I'd seen a few crooked ones in my day... of course, I said that before realizing that I had no way to explain how I'd seen crooked ones. I'd never come out to my grandmother, but had given a few subtle hints, like a "mis-wording" on a postcard. So we talked about crooked penises for a few minutes with me trying not to dig myself into a larger hole. Of course, I didn't try too much since, like I said, I'd already hinted that I was gay.

When the night was over, Mom and I drove Granny back to her house. As she was getting out of the car, she said "Stay away from crooks." It had been a while since our penis conversation, so I didn't get the connection... until she said it a second time when I turned around to look at her. She was holding her index finger crooked. I couldn't stop laughing.

From Thursday, August 8, 1996

Thursday morning, the trip to get my car to California began. The plan was that Mom would drive behind me to St. Louis, stay the night in the hotel with Larry and I, then drive back by herself to Kentucky as Larry & I headed westward. Several rest areas and vending machines later, we arrived at the St. Louis airport.

As we sat waiting for Larry's plane to arrive, I wrote a postcard to Curt and listened to Mom chat incessantly. Twenty or so minutes later, it landed and we waited for Larry to deplane... and he did.

The three of us talked as we found Larry's luggage then headed to the hotel. As soon as Mom went into the bathroom, Larry attacked me. Mom already knew that I'd been "deflowered" by Larry, so his overly flirty playfulness was expected. I, however, was still a little apprehensive about having that much affection shown to me in front of my mom. But a "Is it safe to come out?" before Mom left the bathroom told me that everything was okay. We layed around the hotel for a few more minutes, with of note, Larry saying, "He's sleeping with me tonight." and Mom giving her ok.

The night continued with Mom, Larry, and I taking a tram to Union Station for a seafood dinner. The two of them got along great; While he was gone, Mom told me how wonderful she thought he was and when she was gone, Larry told me how great he thought she was.

The next morning, I woke at 6:30AM to walk Mom to the truck. She'd said the night before that I had to lead her out of the city so that she wouldn't get lost, but I told her that she could do it herself. On one hand, I felt bad for not doing what she wanted, but on the other, I wanted her to realize that she could do it herself. And so, I walked her to the truck, gave her directions, watched her drive away, then went back to the room... where Larry and I had some fun then fell back asleep.

When we woke a few hours later, we stopped at a grocery store and a Jack-In-The-Box before heading out. As we drove down Interstate 70, we had a great time. We talked about everything and listened to a lot of country music. In fact, I gave Larry a tape, Kenny Chesney's Me and You. I'd heard the song while in Kentucky and thought it fit perfectly for us. I love him and I pray that we'll be close forever.

During the drive, I tried calling Sean several times so that I could get a better feel for when we'd meet. Unfortunately, he was never home and I couldn't remember where he worked. The worst part of it all was that I didn't really have a phone number to give him so that he could call back. Larry's cell phone only worked intermittently on the trip and I had no phone number of my own.

So anyway, on the first day of driving, we travelled over 800 miles... even with a late start. By the time we quit for the day, we'd watched The Beverly Hillbillies on the portable VCR and TV and made it to Denver, Colorado. Before going to bed, I called Sean's apartment one final time... still no answer. I left a message with AT&T's voice messaging service then went to bed.

5:09PM Based on Notes Taken

From Saturday, August 9, 1996

When I woke Saturday morning, I immediately checked the voice messaging service to see if Sean had gotten the message and left a response. He did receive it, but his response was broken. He said that he didn't have to work the weekend so he'd be home all day to get my call and that he'd missed the telephone number that I'd left in the voice mail. But before he could finish talking the fire alarm at his place went off. He said, "I'll have to call you back." then hung up. Unfortunately, the voice messaging service is a call you service. He had no number to call back.

OK, he had no number to call back, but he said he'd be home. And so, I called... to talk to his roommate. The first time I called, his roommate simply said he wasn't there and that was that. The second time, the roommate said he was at work. The third time, he said he was still gone, so I explained how I talked to Sean the day before and he'd said that he didn't have to work. The roommate explained that it was a last minute thing but that Sean would probably be back around 5PM.

Trying not to worry too much about Sean, Larry and I continued with the trip. We talked of red heads a lot, peed in the bushes on an outlook point on the side of the road, and took several pictures. It was truly a great time.

As five approached, I called Sean's number again. He was there! We talked for a few minutes and he didn't sound too enthused about my pending arrival. I asked about his tone of voice, but he blew it off as nothing. I said I'd call again at around 9PM, about an hour before reaching his hometown in Utah, and he said ok.

Larry and I continued driving Interstate 70, then the 15... until almost fifty miles from the intersection of the 15 and 10 when the car's "low gas" light came on. My nerves had already been fried with all the Sean bruhaha and the idea of running out of gas in the middle of no where and thereby not meeting Sean was almost more than I could take. Larry pressed the pedal and we coasted into the gas station on fumes.

While Larry was filling the tank, I went inside and found a phone. I thought for sure Sean would be expecting my call and would therefore answer, but instead it was his roommate... and when I asked for Sean, he said he was gone. What?! I began to explain that I was driving through and supposed to meet him. The roommate responded, "He went to Vegas." I was pissed! After all that crap, he didn't even have the nerve to show himself? He ran off to Vegas without even telling me. I almost yelled at his roommate, but made it back to the car to yell there for the next hour.

A few minutes into the last hour of the trip before our stop, (We'd already made reservations at a Best Western in Sean's hometown.) Larry told me that I should wait before getting upset; perhaps Sean would be sitting in his car at the hotel. There was about a 5% chance of that happening, but that was enough to calm me down a bit. Nevertheless, I kept ranting about how I was going to get even. To be stood up twice after all that effort and apologizing and everything.

So, anyway, we arrived at the Best Western about an hour later. No one was in the parking lot, but I came back outside after initially walking to the check-in desk with Larry. A couple cars drove by then one circled the lot and parked. A guy with blondish red hair got out. He had a huge smile on his face and walked towards me. He looked nothing like I remembered from the pictures, but it had to be Sean.

When he got nearer, he said hello and shook my hand. We talked for a few minutes about how hard he was to get ahold of and about how I was near ready to kill him when I thought he'd went to Vegas. Before long, Larry came back outside and said that our room was across the street. I thought I'd be hospitable to Sean and so, I got in the car with him for the thirty second trip.

When we arrived on the other side, Sean carried my suitcase, Larry carried his, and I carried the various odds & ends. I thought it was pretty chivalrous for Sean, but I kept that thought to myself.

After being in the room for a few minutes, either Larry or I suggested we grab a bite to eat. Larry asked where a nice restuarant was located and Sean replied "50 minutes away." Not thinking much about his comment, we asked where an "okay" restuarant was and ended up going to Shoney's.

As soon as we'd walked in the door, the cashier said hello to Sean by name. They apparently knew each other well and talked for a couple minutes while Larry and I sat down. And before Sean could get to the table, he said hello to another couple who was eating there. As the night went on, it became more and more obvious that Sean knew almost everyone in this town of 13,000. I completely missed it, but Larry said something about how he thought Sean was extremely uncomfortable. I asked as much and Sean said that he did feel a bit weird. And I guess, in all rights, he would have. I can only imagine not being out, in such a small town where everyone knew me, and having two random gay guys visit me... and be seen with them.

September 2, 1996

3:53PM Based on Notes Taken

From Saturday, August 9, 1996

When we left Shoney's, the three of us rode back to the hotel in Sean's car then went inside. Not a minute later, Sean asked if he and I could go for a walk, and to be honest, I didn't quite know what to do. I thought it was a tad awkward leaving Larry at the hotel by himself, but we'd talked earlier in the day of my red head obsession and how he was okay with it. And after all, we were stopping there for me to meet Sean, and sure, I could meet him with Larry around, but I couldn't meet meet him. And so, I said that we were going for a walk.

As we walked away from the hotel, Sean and I talked about his life in such a small town, about how he was hoping to get to know me, and about his plans for the future. Before long, we ended up on campus and walked past the various sprinklers, flirting and talking along the way, until eventually coming to a bench near a few trees and an open area.

Sean said that he wanted to sit down for a while and I followed suit. From there, he inched closer and closer to me until he was touching my hand. For someone who wasn't out and for someone who was uncomfortable earlier in the night, I couldn't quite figure out how he was touching me in such an open area. I mean, there were no people around, but there could have been... at any minute.

And then he asked if he could kiss me. I'd only met him a couple hours earlier and he was already wanting to kiss... not that I've never done that before, but, to tell the whole truth, I wasn't that attracted to him. I mean, normally, I'm not one to kiss someone until several hours after I've known them. Whether that's after one really long date or after a series of shorter ones is immaterial. And moreso, I just didn't find him that attractive. He was way far from ugly, but he just wasn't my type. I guess my opinion of Sean after I met him could best be described as "just slightly more than apathetic."

So anyway, he asked if he could kiss me, and feeling the way I did, I said how we were outside and tried to point out the fact that we might be seen, hoping that he'd worry about that and change his mind. He, however, said that we should simply move into the auditorium. "The auditorium?" All I could think of was a dimly lit balcony and Sean wanting to do who knows what with me there. I, nonetheless, got up and followed him.

A few minutes later, he said that people were still at the auditorium and so we continued walking until we ended up near a garden-type area with a statue and several large rocks surrounding it. Trying my best to keep my lips away from his, I sat down on one of the rocks. But at the same time, not wanting to alienate him and being "slightly more than apathetic", I kept flirting. I guess, being totally honest now, I found him attractive enough to want to see him naked but not attractive enough to want to kiss him. I guess it was the same sort of attraction as I have towards a go-go boy. And not that if I don't kiss someone does it mean that I don't find them very attractive. I guess the long and the short of it is that with each person, kissing is a thing that comes at various times and I wasn't ready to kiss him.

So, like I said, I was still flirting, so when he stood next to me and as he was sitting down on a nearby rock, I reached my hand up and grabbed him in the crotch. I blatantly feigned it off as "reaching for a thought" and Sean returned the thought, so to speak.

Before long, Sean took me over to a grass bank, over behind the rocks, and out of the light. We layed on the grass and looked at the stars and I was extremely nervous. In fact, from the cold and nervousness, I started twitching. I didn't know what I was getting myself into and I wasn't totally comfortable being there. It was, after all, outdoors on a college campus in Utah.

After a few minutes and a feel here and there, Sean asked if I was cold and we started walking back towards the hotel. On the way, Sean said that he doubted he'd stay the night with us, that Larry was a nice guy and all, but he didn't find him attractive. I responded that I didn't expect him to spend the night and that I understood what he was saying. I asked him if he was going to go home then when we got back to the hotel room and he said, "Probably."

Not really wanting him to leave so soon, I flirted a little more as we walked. I grabbed his butt a couple times and he returned the favor.

Before long, we were back in the room and Larry was laying on the bed by the door with his arm over his eyes. The TV was on and from all appearances, Larry was tired and taking a nap. Once again, I was confronted with a "What do I do now?" situation. I mean, I did want to see Sean without his clothes, but I knew his feelings about Larry. I sat on the bed with Sean and placed my hand on his knee. I figured that if Larry wanted to join in, he would, and if he didn't, he wouldn't.

As I put my hand on Sean's knee, he pulled my arm so that my hand crept under his short's leg and then up and up and up... until finally reaching, well, you know where. After about a minute there, Larry looked over with a "What the fuck are you doing and how are you doing it to me?" face. He then jumped up, put his shoes on and went for the door. I jumped up after him and told Sean to wait in the room.

As I walked down the corridor of the hotel, I kept pulling on Larry to stop walking. He, however, was more than upset and wouldn't stop. He said that he was going to get another room and that Sean and I could just have sex without him. I told him that that wasn't going to happen and tried to get him to come back. He wouldn't and kept on walking.

Before long we'd reached the end of the parking lot and Larry sat down on the curb. He said that he couldn't handle me ignoring him and treating him like a piece of furniture. I viewed it as when a kid gets a new toy: The old toy doesn't get thrown out, but the new one initially gets a lot more playtime. I honestly thought that if Larry would have wanted to join in, he would have made an effort. The whole area was new. I didn't know how to act. I knew that that night was going to be my only night in Utah and therefore things were at an extremely rapid pace. Larry kept saying things like how he didn't matter to me and that I was only using him. I explained that that wasn't the case, that I loved him. For a while we talked then I said I was going back to the room to tell Sean that we either had to include Larry or he had to leave.

When I got back to the room, I expected Sean to be gone... but he wasn't. I told him briefly of what was happening and that we either had to include Larry or that he needed to go home. He said that he'd gotten excited and didn't want to go. I said that it would be better to leave now than freak out mid-something. I mean, Larry's ego/self-esteem were already low enough. I definitely didn't want Sean to freak out because Larry was older.

Sean said that he'd be fine and so, I began to go back to the parking lot. But before I went, I realized that Sean still might have to leave if Larry wasn't any less upset. I took a quick peek down Sean's shorts to see if he was red headed "where it counts" then went back into the parking lot. I found Larry walking back from the hotel office. He had two keys in hand: He'd gotten another room.

I knew if Larry got in the other room, he'd lock me out and I'd never get in. I wrestled one of the new keys from him and said that Sean said that we all three could have fun.

Larry and I walked to the new room and talked a while more. He said that it wasn't about having sex with Sean; it was about me totally ignoring him; it was about leaving him in the room for over an hour; it was about not knowing when I was returning; it was about him wondering if I'd been hurt; it was about him walking through the parking lot looking for Sean's car; it was about knowing virtually nothing about Sean. He said that I'd totally, utterly, and completely forgotten about him. In some respects, he was right. I had gone off without thinking how it would impact him. But on the other hand, I'm 20 years old and can make character judgments on my own. They may not be the best in the world, but that's part of growing up and I have to have the space to make them.

So, nerves still slightly frazzled, still not knowing quite what to do, I returned to the old room with Larry and we all moved to the new one. After turning the TV on for a little noise, I decided it would be I who would bridge the gap between Larry and Sean. I worked my hands up each of their shorts and made comments about what I found. One thing led to another and we were all on one bed. From there, clothes came off and the moment got pretty hot and heavy. (And ironically, it was Sean and Larry who were having the most fun... together.) It seemed hard to believe that someone so into the spirit of the "event" as Sean was could be so inexperienced. If I'd enjoyed those hours as much as he did, neither hell nor high water could have kept me from dating another guy. Of course, I guess it was literally hell that had reserved Sean for it was being a Mormon that had stopped him from "partaking."

By 4AM, the fun had been spent and Sean reluctantly said that he needed to head home. Larry and I offered for him to stay, but he said that he had to get up early to go visit a friend up north. We took a few pictures then I walked Sean to his car. We said good-bye, and he drove off. Larry and I fell asleep shortly thereafter.

September 8, 1996

1:17AM Technically September 9, 1996

From Sunday, August 11, 1996

On Sunday morning, Larry and I got up and headed westward to Las Vegas. A few hours later, we'd talked about the night before nearly non-stop and had arrived at the Rio hotel. We gambled at the blackjack tables and spent a good deal of time in the suite hotel room. During the night, we called Sean to see how he was doing and he was noticably upset. I'm not sure if it was then or a couple days later, but during one of our phone conversations he said that he wanted a wife and kids. Yep, this guy who had written me such lovey dovey letters and who'd had such a great time, had turned straight. I couldn't believe it, but I knew talking was pointless. He said that Larry and I were "too comfortable" with ourselves. He didn't want to think that he was normal. He wanted to hate himself, and nothing I could say would change his mind.

By nightfall, we'd lost a few hundred dollars, but had a superb time. The only flaw in the night was feeling bad for Sean.

Monday morning, we got up, gambled some more, lost a few hundred more, then drove on to L.A.

In the next few weeks...

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© 1996 Justin Clouse

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