Justin's Life... February, 1997

Justin's Life... February, 1997

February 1, 1997

11:40AM

I must admit, this is about the fourth time I've re-started today's diary entry. This time, I'll simply cut to the chase.

As far as Larry and the diary are concerned, I've been an ass. To all of you, I'm sure it must appear that I'm some "boytoy" of sorts, but that's not the kase. I love him and he loves me. In fact, our relationship more closely resembles that of a married couple. I sometimes even feel like I got married and didn't quite realize it. I've got the husband, the house, the kid, and the dogs. I remember writing somewhere that my dream was to have the house, the husband, the kids, and the cats... and a bronco. But, well, I guess a Chrysler Town and Country Mini Van is close enough. So, in fact, I am in essence married... but when I said my dream was all those, I never thought I'd be "married" at 21. (not that I'm saying that they're aren't times when being "married" is absolutely great... waking up with Larry every morning, snuggling at night, having someone who knows how I think, etc... etc...)

But in my All-American dream of being married, I also didn't think I'd be the one most closely fitting into the "housewife" role. I thought it would be two husbands. And no, I don't fit into the "housewife" role because I'm the house cleaner, or cook, or for any of the first-thought housewife reasons/responsibilities but rather because of the financial dependence.

Which brings me back to how this "revelation" about the Larry in the diary took place. I'd written a diary entry whereby I talked of meeting two gay guys in Hawaii. In it, I'd completely underplayed my relationship with Larry whereby I said that I flirted with one of the guys, but basically just tossed it off as not that big of a deal, that Larry was overreacting by getting mad. I didn't say that I'd totally zoned out, that my complete and utter attention was on that guy, and that I'd barely even noticed Larry the entire night.

He and I've since talked, and talked, and talked trying to figure out where exactly we stood/stand and where exactly our relationship was/is going.

I think a lot of insight can be gained from the following two letters:


Well, I just finished Mr. Holland's Opus. I should have known better as to watch it as I'm tearing up right now. *smile* [That's tEEring up not tAIRing up] You may hate Richard Dreyfus (and in most things he is a little over the top) but M.H's.O is quite the powerful movie for me... and every time I watch it I want to write my "Mr. Holland" Mrs. Congleton, without whom I never would have had the courage to attend BU. She was, and still is, the only teacher I ever admired and one of the few people that I admire still (and you know I'm not one to go around admiring most folks *grin*)

So, anyway, I just finished that movie and felt especially sappy. I love you Larry ____ _____. Who'd a thunk I could have loved a guy with a name like that? I sure wouldn't have, but I do. And what's more important than my loving you is that we're a family. Through thick and thin, we stick together. I may screw up sometime and do something stupid, but if you'll let me, I'll be in your life for the rest of mine. I think you know how much you love me, but I don't think you know how much I love you. When I said I appreciated Monday, it holds that same sort of allusiveness as my admiration. I admittedly don't appreciate much, but I did appreciate Monday. You did all that for me, and I thank you.

I must admit, I was apprehensive about becoming friends with Erik for fear that you would get jealous and it would be a nightmare. But you haven't and I appreciate that as well. Today when I started talking to that guy Jesse, I got that same sort of apprehension, but I'm hoping that he and I can become friends and things will go as smoothly as they did with Erik. And, I think they will.

I'd like to be the father of the next kid, if you want me to be. (Larry had said a few months back that he wanted to have another child and had wondered if he or I should be the biological father. At first I said that it didn't matter, then when we got to talking about it, I realized that I would feel as an outsider, living here, looking in, if he were to have another child without me. And so, after much deliberation, I wrote that sentence.) I have complete faith in your ability to raise a child, whether or not you decide to boot me out one day. He/She may not be as spoiled as I would have them, but I think they'll turn out fine.

So there are a few random thoughts and here's one more:

I LOVE YOU!!!

-J


As you can tell, there's a lot of love and commitment there. It's a side I rarely show, but I guess Mr. Holland's Opus just got to me and I opened up.

The following weeks ensued until it came time to write about Hawaii... when I got to the time about the two gay guys, I wrote what could best be described as the exact opposite of what's above. I didn't intentionally do it, but It appeared as though Larry were just there for the ride, that he and I didn't really have a relationship.

After arduous talks between ourselves and with a friend, I broke down once more and wrote:


"I may screw up sometime and do something stupid, but if you'll let me, I'll be in your life for the rest of mine." When I wrote that a couple weeks ago in that "I Love You Larry ____ _____" letter, I thought that screw up would have been something more profound, something more of an incident, like sleeping with someone. Something on that scale but as time has told, the "screw up" wasnít that, but rather a lesser screw up sustained for a longer period. By that, I mean the diary. But to talk about this, I really need to address an issue which is closely related. Itís the fooling myself, protecting myself, and presenting myself.

First the protecting myself: I said earlier today that from time to time I feel trapped, and I completely blame myself for being in that "trap." Itís the trap of having all my eggs in one basket. In my mind, I seem to be in a constant game of appeasement. Things like, "I want to go hang out with Eric, but Iím afraid youíll get upset." When most people have a relationship, they give the other person a lot of input/control of their life, but with you and me, you ultimately have gargantuan, supreme power. Letís face it. If you wanted to "ruin" me, you could. Money=Power, and youíve got the money to get the power to say "Youíll never work in this town again." Would you do that? No, I donít think you would, but people lose rationality when theyíre mad. They do things theyíd normally never think about. And when you get mad, itís MAD. You said youíd pay for my college no matter what. But thatís what my parents said. The people who were always there for me. And through no screw up my own, they "left" and instead leased a new truck. You came to the rescue, but thereís still the part of me that says, "If my parents could do it, so can you." I just need to convince myself that you wonít do that but not only do you have that power over college, but Iíve also given you complete financial power over me as well. I could go from living here with you one day to living out of my car or some rat infested slum the next. The Members Edition barely makes enough money to pay for the web site and a few of my bills. How could I possibly add rent to that? When I was in Boston, you had that power, but it wasnít so visible. It seemed to be independent of our relationship. But now the diary has become the antithesis to that power. Itís become the "You may have complete control over me otherwise, but you canít control the diary." Itís become my defense, my way of keeping some control over my life. And so, in order to protect myself, I think I subconsciously, but intentionally, write it so that it seems that you donít have that power over me. I write away your importance, your power to effect me, in some sort of "I write it, therefore it becomes reality" fantasy. I donít sit and think "I have to write it so that it seems that he doesnít have this power," but thatís what happens.

Which goes into the fooling myself: You do have this power. I have to resolve myself to that and somehow fix it so that I donít feel this way anymore. I thought the Members Edition was going to give me that freedom, the financial freedom so that I felt a little more like an equal than a wife at home vulnerable under her husband, the breadwinnerís, decisions. The CD-ROM is my newest attempt. It may take a while, but the financial independence is a big part of wanting to make the CD-ROM.

And that moves into presenting myself. Just as you said a published version of the diary would be more saleable if I were a college student, I seem to think Iím more saleable as an individual, than as half of a couple. "Who wants to read about two gay guys? They want to read about someone that they could possibly obtain." I think to myself but then again, I realize that the other day I found a page about a gay couple, and that it was Jaseís and Eddyís pages which got me started in making mine. They were totally presented as husbands, but I "liked" Eddy way more, he was my online crush of sorts. I just havenít realized that Iím still saleable, but in another way, as part of a couple... or triple.

When I was zoning earlier tonight at the restaurant, I was thinking "What do I want?" If I could have my way, what would I want? Iíd want to be financially independent, but Iíd want to be with you. Iíd want to not have to worry that if we did have a fight, that Iíd be out scrambling to fend for myself. It would allow me to put my guard down and express myself more truly, in the diary and in real life. Right now Iím caught between overly trying to appease you in real life and trying to underplay your importance in the diary, but instead of the two balancing out, it just ends wrong in both directions.


Of course, having said all this, I want to make it clear that Larry has always said that he would cover the costs of my attending college, even before any type of relationship began. And he's far from a horrible guy who's keeping me here with his money. He, in fact, even thinks I should get a part time job so that I will have more spending money of my own and so that I won't have this "trapped" feeling like I sometimes do. He says he's not into having a relationship whereby he has control over me via money, and I believe that. (Remember, he even payed for a dorm room the entire first semester so that I'd have a place to go if I wanted.)

So there you have it... as honest as I can be.

February 24, 1997

11:57AM

I know it's been forever since I last wrote... life's been crazy... so, in no particular order (not even chronological ) here's some things of note that have happened lately:

On Thursday, the 13th, I was sitting in my Communications class, reading The Daily Trojan, the school's newspaper, praying for class to end. Nothing abnormal. After reading about Financial Aid forms being due on Friday and the like, I began reading the "Roundup", or as my friend Larissa and I seem to think of it, "The I-Broke-A-Nail-And-Called-DPS (Department of Public Safety) Whinings", looking to see what catastrophe had happened:


  • INCIDENTS
    • DPS officers responded to Los Angeles Police Department officers who were detaining a student at Jefferson Boulevard and Hoover Street around 10 a.m. Thursday. LAPD officers informed the DPS officers that the student became belligerent when they stopped him and issued him a citation for crossing the street against a "Don't Walk" sign. DPS officers advised the student that the matter would be referred to Student Conduct and released him.
    • DPS officers saw a non-USC delivery truck driving down a pedestrian sidewalk at Cromwell Field around 11:20 a.m. Thursday and ordered the driver to stop. The driver complied and the officers informed him that he could not drive on the sidewalk. When the officers asked the driver for his name and truck number, he became belligerent and refused to cooperate. The officers advised the driver that he could not leave until he gave them the information they requested. The driver complied and was released.
    • A gate attendant saw a vehicle enter campus displaying a possible forged USC parking permit at Gate 6 around 2:25 p.m. Thursday. The officer asked the student driving the vehicle if he could see the permit, but the student refused and drove away DPS officers located the student and asked him if he had an altered parking permit. The student said he did not. The officers advised the student that the matter would be referred to. Student Conduct.
    • A suspect sprayed an unknown substance in the hallway of the third floor in Marks Tower around 6:10 p.m. Thursday, causing several students to suffer from mild throat irritation. A Resident Advisor advised the officers that a student might have accidentally discharged pepper spray in the hallway, but the student left the building before the officers arrived. The officers placed a fan in the hallway to clear any residual spray from the hallway.
    • DPS officers responded to a staff member who fainted, fell and cut his forehead at Kaprielian Hall around 7:15 p.m. Thursday. The officers examined the staff member, and he was transported by a student to Orthopedic Hospital for medical treatment.
    • DPS officers responded to a student who slipped and fell on the sidewalk in front of King Hall around 2:50 p.m. Friday, injuring her knee. The officers examined the Student and offered transportation for medical treatment, but the student declined.
    • A staff member drove a university vehicle the wrong way down a one-way street at 37th and Flower Streets and was struck by a vehicle driven by a non-USC male around 12:45 a.m. Saturday
    • DPS officers responded to a student who lost his footing while descending a flight of stairs at Bing Theatre, fell and twisted his ankle around 2:10 p.m. Saturday. The officers examined the student then transported him the Good Samaritan Hospital for medical treatment.
    • DPS officers responded to a student who reported his vehicle was damaged while parked at Parking Lot K around 12:20 p.m. Monday. The officers observed minor scratches and dent marks on the lower left fender of the vehicle, which appeared to have been caused by the vehicle parked next to the student. The officers attempted to run a check of the parking permit on the second vehicle but were unable to determine the owner. The student left a note on the second vehicle requesting that he or she contact DPS.
    • A student reported that her vehicle was scratched by DPS officers when they detained two suspects and leaned them against her car around 3:20 p.m. Monday.
    • DPS officers responded to a faculty member who spilled a plastic tube containing a radioactive material onto the floor around 5:45 p.m. Monday in the Hoffman Medical Research Building. The faculty member cleaned up the spill before the officers arrived. The officers notified Safety Office personnel that the spill was contained and advised them to check the location the following day.
    • A student committed suicide by jumping from the roof of Kaprielian Hall around 10:30 p.m. Monday


WHAT!?! Somebody leaning against someone's car got more coverage than someone committing suicide? Talk about sobering me up. I went from my waa-waa-waa, slightly amused mindset to "What the fuck is going on?" What kind of university gives one line of type to the fact that a student committed suicide? Weren't the DPS officers called? That seemed to be the case on nearly every other "INCIDENT." How could someone's suicide go that unnoticed, that underplayed? All I could think the rest of class was that someone had died and someone's car had gotten scratched and the car got more attention.

When I got home, it just so happened that I had a copy of Tuesday's paper... there was no mention of the suicide in it. How messed up is that?

February 28, 1997

5:56PM

Well, the other day, I got a letter saying that I should either start writing in the diary like I used to, or give it up all together. Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind, but I figure an occasional entry is better than none at all, and I honestly do have the intentions of writing, but life's gone from basically sitting in my apartment most of the day in Boston to..., well, let's take yesterday as an example:

Typical Day In
Boston
Yesterday In
Los Angeles
6AMSleepSleep
7AMSleepWake and cram for a Geology/Planet Earth midterm.
8AMSleepStudy until 8:15 then leave for USC
9AMSleepTake Geology 105 Lab Exam
10AMSleepReturn home (normally lab runs until 11AM, but I finished the test early)
11AMSleepAt home skipping Geology 105 Lecture in order to study for Communications 201 midterm
12PMWake and check e-mailArrive back at USC at 12:30PM to take midterm
1PMReply to e-mailTaking midterm until 1:30PM, rush home to get paper I'd forgotten in order to discuss my grade with the prof. during his office hours at 2PM
2PMReply to e-mailReturned back to USC and found office. Paper citation errors too large. No grade change.
3PMSurf the webReturn home, mentally and physically exhausted
4PMSurf the webBegin sorting web site hosting nightmare
5PMCall Rob or CurtStill sorting web site hosting nightmare (when I moved to the new server, I underestimated how many/how much people were visiting koool.com. Turns out, over 60 different countries visit daily to download over a gigabyte of information.)
6PMGo out to dinnerGo to K-mart to stop stressing about web hosting and to buy some "web content creation" items (sorry can't say more... just know that it's relating to the "New, Exclusive Content" that's coming with the web site redesign)
7PMMovieGo to Glendale Galleria to buy more "web content creation" related items
8PMMovieReturn home and explain "web content" ideas to Larry
9PMFinish movie, return to apartment.Have dinner (burgers on the grill) with Larry and Jason (the guy from Mississippi who's temporarily living downstairs)
10PMCheck e-mailWork on web hosting nightmare
11PMWrite in the diaryMore intensely plan "web content" creation
12AMCall Larry on the phoneTurn on a movie and go to sleep
1AMTalk to Larry on the phoneSleep
2AMTalk to Larry on the phoneSleep
3AMGo to bedSleep

The point is, I had a lot more free time back in Boston and could therefore write more in the diary. Lately, just keeping the web site up and running has been driving me insane -- If you've never tried to find someone to host a site considered "Adult" (which you probably haven't), it's one of most difficult things imaginable as far as Internet activities are concerned. Most ISP's flat out reject any site with any nudity, but the ones that do accept such sites nearly almost always charge outrageous fees. -- and, therefore, I've certainly not wanted to put more effort into the site by writing the diary.

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© 1997 Justin Clouse

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