Justin's Life... July 1997

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July 1, 1997


Aloha! I'm back in Hawaii... this time, with Larry, Katie, Warren & Selma, and my mom.

Mom, Warren, and Selma all arrived from the east coast on Wednesday. It was Mom's first plane flight since before I was born and earlier she'd been petrified at even the idea of flying, so I was pretty worried about her from the time she took off until I saw her at LAX at 2PM. Nonetheless, she made the trip fine and I gave her the free Hollywood tour on Thursday.

Early Friday morning, the six of us were supposed to be scattered throughout the plane, but Larry managed to convince the gate attendant that we needed seats together. Normally, seats together would have been nice, but not that big of a deal, but, as I said before, it was my mom's first day of flying, and four-year-old Katie was going... and, I must confess, when I ordered special meals for everyone, I ordered myself a kid's meal. I knew United was partners with McDonald's in the kid's meal department and the idea of McDonald's junk food sure sounded better than the typical plane stuff. Of course, eating a kid's meal between two perplexed strangers wasn't exactly the most enjoyable of thoughts. And so, when it turned out that I would be sitting directly across the aisle from Larry and Katie, I "breathed a sigh of relief."

Yet, when it came time for the meals to be delivered the steward looked at me, looked at the plate, and was noticeably confused. I said that the two kid's meals he was holding were for Katie and myself and he sat it down with a (perhaps imagined, but perceived as real) condescending glare. I ate the food, got out the toy, and made sure I made enough of a connection with Katie that any would be wonderers would know why the 21 year old was eating a 3 year old's meal. -- Well, enough of a connection so that any wonderers would think what I wanted them to think about the 21 year old eating the 3 year old's meal.

After arriving on the island, we got the rental van and headed for the hotel: The Outrigger Reef Lanais. And well, it was ok, and all, but for a vacation hotel, it just wasn't up to par. Before the day was through, we'd moved over to a newer hotel owned by the same company and spent the rest of our time in Honolulu sleeping there.

For dinner Friday night, we went to a place on the beach where you cook your own food. The wait was an hour, so Larry and I went to the bar while the rest of the gang sat in the waiting area. I had a Blue Hawaii, figuring where better place.

For dinner, I had the steak and fish... and another Blue Hawaii... and a melon daiquiri. By the time dinner was over, I was pretty tipsy. It was fun.

Saturday morning, we got up and headed out of town before the gay pride parade began. I, myself, would have rather seen the gay pride parade any day instead of the Polynesian Cultural Center, but I was outvoted, and off we went. All considered, the Polynesian Cultural Center wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Comedy was mixed with most of the presentations, but I've never seen so many shirtless guys and been so non-turned on. What can I say, guys with near black skin are about as far away as you can get from pale red heads.

Sunday morning, we got up and headed off to Pearl Harbor. I guess because I've never been alive in times of war, I just wasn't able to comprehend the magnitude of the whole deal. I've never been a history fan anyway, so the tales of ships going under was saddening, but I didn't connect like Warren, Selma, or Larry. Oddly enough, Mom seemed to be on my same connection level: Don't know why.

Yesterday morning, we got on the plane and headed over to Kona, The Big Island. Here we're just taking it easy. The Hilton Waikoloa Village is a mega resort with one activity -- relaxing. And I'm doing that activity well.


July 3, 1997


I've played in the pool (RealVideo 28.8, RealVideo 56), visited rain forests, and seen volcano craters. Today I'm taking it easy. Everyone else has gone to a coffee plantation while I've opted to stay here in the hotel room, catching up on business and e-mail while watching Star Trek: First Contact.


July 8, 1997


We made it back here to LA... well, at least Mom and I did. Larry and the rest of the gang opted to stay three more days, and so, won't be back until Thursday morning. I, however, was ready to go as we'd originally planned: seven days of doing nothing was enough for me. --Mom could have stayed with them, but simply chose to come with me.

Of course, having my mom with me, I thought getting the kiddie meal would be less of an incident... but, the gate attendant asked if it was a mistake and I had to go in a long narrative about how I was flying with a four year old but that she was staying with her dad. On the plane, I figured I'd have to repeat it, but the stewardess delivered the peanut butter and jelly snack kit without incident. When Mom got her regular ham sandwich, she didn't seem too appetized, so I offered an exchange and she took it. I'll never do that again.

Other than that, the plane ride was pretty uneventful. I tried sleeping, but couldn't... and the only thing interesting that I could find to do was sneak looks at the guy sitting across the aisle. He was a bright strawberry blond with a heavy emphasis on the strawberry... even his eyebrows... alas, he was with a girl and had a wedding band on.


July 12, 1997


In the course of the past few weeks, I've come to realize something about myself... but I'm jumping ahead... and so, starting from the beginning:

A little over a month ago, I got this letter:


My name is Rob. I live in the [California] area. I have auburn color hair so it is not "flaming" red. My um... pubic hair is though. I am 5'6", 28 years old, about 125 lbs. I have a slim but HARD build. I love the outdoors. I go waterskiing, snow skiing, play tennis, coach soccer for 5-6 year olds. I also enjoy camping and hiking. I have hazel eyes, hairy legs, butt and arms, with moderate hair on my chest and stomach. I love country music..have 4 out of 6 stations in my truck programed to country. I love to cook. I am looking for someone that enjoys life. My ideal man can go from black tie at a play to rolling up his pants, taking off his shoes and chasing each other around the beach and munch on hot dogs. I love going to hockey and baseball games. I am NOT interested in casual sex. I am looking for a man that will love me as much as I love him and will not run off as soon as something "better" crosses his path. I only play for keeps. I truly want the fairy tale. When I love someone it is without boundary..they are my world. As far as adventureous, I enjoy many things and am always willing to try new things. I have gone bungee jumping, sky diving, champagne sunrise hot air ballon rides, etc. I will and do eat food that falls on my shirt, but I am not a pig. I can have perfect manners..when necessary but as I said I enjoy life. I love a man that looks at me and smiles just because he knows he is loved and is happy to be with me. I would love to make you a nice pasta dinner, sit on the couch with you in our underwear and eat while we watch Lady and the Tramp and just hold each other close. I am very affectionate and playful and enjoy the same. If any of this sounds interesting to you, PLEASE email me back. Or if you like you may call me at ###-###-#### so we can talk more. If you aren't interested thats ok and I hope you find your Knight. I truly enjoyed your web page and hope to hear from you soon.


Sounds pretty darn perfect... well, at least to this country boy at heart. And so, four days later, I wrote him back. -- Yep, even a letter like that has a four day return period


Well, you sound too good to be true... and ya know what they say about things that are too good to be true... but, hey, I'll give it a shot and write you back anyway.

[California], that's not THAT far away from Los Angeles? Do you ever get [over] this way?

A flaming crotch, eh? That could be painful... but if I saw it, I'm pretty sure "painful" wouldn't be how I'd describe my state of mind.

5'6"!!! A short guy... short guys are absolutely adorable...

28... just right...

Outdoorsy... and country music... no, you're putting me on... :-)

>Hairly legs, butt and arms, with moderate hair on my chest and stomach.
You're lying... hairy guys are SOOOOOOO cute... and hairy butts, are, well, just toooo cute... like I said, you sound perfect...

Geez, I could go on and on AND ON about how great you sound, but I hate building myself up for a let down... do you have a picture of yourself? Do you ever travel to LA? Both of those are pretty much necessary... but, hey, if you don't have a digitized picture, I'd be more than happy to scan some for you if you send them via postal mail... and if you're as great as you sound, I'm sure you'd have no problem taking some photos of yourself (if you have none you want to send). It's been a while since I've done that, but, let's face it, looks are important. You can see recent photos of me at http://www.koool.com/pictures_of_me.html when it finishes uploading later tonight.

OK, hope to hear from you soon,
Until then...

You may have noticed that part about "when it finishes uploading later tonight" You might have also noticed that there no longer is Justin's Interactive Search For His Red Headed Knight. This just happened to happen as I debuted the new web site... minus the Red Headed Knight Search.

So later on the 10th of June, I got this e-mail:


I am very glad that you decided to give it a "shot". I really am not all that and would not use "to good to be true" to describe myself. I am however very honest, as I expect the same. My description of myself was ME!!

Yes, I do get to LA once in a while. I have a very close friend in Pasadena that I visit more than a few times a year and I love Disneyland so I go there a couple of times a year too. Will be there for sure Oct.24-26 to go to Disney. I am supposed to be down for the 4th but I am not sure yet if I can make it.

I am not that hairy on my chest. Some hair around my nipples and in the middle of my chest. Nice and I think, sexy fur line from my belly button down to ....!!!

I do have a few pic's, however they are just a bit revealing so I will let you decide if you want them first. I will send you 2 that I think are ok and hope they tempt you to continue writing.

Are looks really all that important to you? I guess that was not really a fair statement to make since I wrote you after I saw your pic's and read your "wish" list, so disregard that k?

I am gonna give you my phone number, as I prefer talking to typing. I am more than willing to call you as well if you send me your number. Mine is ###-###-####.

Anyway, I have so much more that I would like to talk with you about, I do hope you will write soon or even better call me. I hope you like the pic's..(please..please) and I'll look forward to talking to ya soon.

Take care bud,

With that letter, I got a pretty blurry picture of Rob's face and chest. In fact, it was so indescript that I sorta wondered if he really was red headed.

On the 17th, I still hadn't written back, and so, he wrote:


I haven't heard back from you since my last email so, I am taking the ball. How have you been? I have been pretty busy. The have about two more weeks of freedom before my classes begin at [Somewhere].

Do you like animals?? I have a german shepard and two horses. I went for an overnight ride this past weekend. It was absolutely wonderful. I really think you would have enjoyed it as well. Riding around the mountains..swimming in the river...relaxing in the sun..sleeping under a beautiful starlight sky..aahh..almost heaven.

I am supposed to get tickets today to "Phantom", my mom has never been so I thought I would take her to see it. Do you like going to plays? Opera?

It has been a week today, since you wrote me. I hope you have not lost interest yet. I am still planning on being in the LA area the weekend of the fourth. If you would like maybe we can get together for dinner..lunch..coffee..?? If think it would give us both a better opportunity to see and get to know each other a little better. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not talking about a "quicky", I do not have casual sex. For me I have found that no matter how bad and lonely I feel, I feel infinently worse after having casual sex than I did before so I just don't do it. I hope that is not a problem?

There are so many things I would like to ask you but feel foolish doing so since you haven't written back, so I will save them for another time. As I said before, you can call me sometime or I would be more than happy to call you if you like and we can talk a little more openly and loosely. My # is ###-###-####. If you have lost interest or have found a real "live" warm-blooded man in your area I wish you both well, but do ask that you drop me a line to let me down easy.(hehe)

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

To that, I responded on the 19th:


Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner... believe it or not, you're in my "Really Reply To These" box... that said, you should know that there was a "Reply To These" box, but it became too out of control so I had to make another *grin*

Anyway, I'm replying now... :-)

Animals... well, my dad's a horse trainer, so I was pretty much around them all the time... and, to be honest, I like some of them... a few too many tragic incidents with horses as a child have left me not to fond of equestrian activities, and the same can be said about dogs... I don't know what it was, but both liked to trample me. ;-\ I do like the littler animals, though, and consider myself a "cat" person... you know, in that dog/cat duality. --Geez, it's only 8:48AM and I'm already sounding "academic" *laugh*.

Anyway, I'm sure with the right person, I could come to appreciate horses again... although I doubt I'll ever see the appeal of dogs again... :-)

Swimming in the river? Tell me, what were you wearing when you were swimming in the river? *smile* Now see, that sounds nearly wonderful... swimming in the river naked with a guy you're attracted to. *blush*

>almost heaven.
What was lacking? *grin*

Can't really say that I've ever actually been to an opera... nor even a "real" play. In Kentucky, those things aren't too big, but once I got to the city, I didn't have the time... know what I mean? Just like the camping out deal... if I had someone koool to do it with, I'm sure I would. :-)

Thanks for the invitation on the 4th of July weekend, but... (don't you just hate it when someone says something like that... and all the time you're wondering what the follow-up will be... and then they start off on some tangent and then it's four lines later before you read :) I'll be in Hawaii until the 7th. See, nothing personal... I just won't be here. :-( When do you go back... if you'll still be around after that, I'd be happy to say "Howdy." Are you going to Disneyland with your friend?

Go ahead... ask me whatever you'd like... I have nothing to hide and I'm not the overly shy type either *grin*. I know you've said for me to give you a call a couple times, but I'll confess, I'm a phone-aphobe. If I can do it via e-mail, fax, or postal mail, I'd rather, personal or business. I mean, I can talk on the phone (and do at least daily *grin*) but I like text first, just to give the other person a more complete feel of who I am before I call up and say "Howdy"... (And, by the way, I've been told that my voice is one of my most attractive features... it is unique, tho... (Hey, I gotta do something to keep you guessing.))

>or have found a real "live" warm-blooded man in your area
Hmmm... I was wondering when you were going to get to this? Or when you were going to read the diary enough to ask who Larry was? But wait... don't hit that "Delete" button just yet. Here's the deal. About a year and half ago, via my website, I was contacted by this guy named Larry who lives in LA. He was older (44) and said he wasn't interested in me, per se, but rather I was having a hard time and he wanted to offer the use of one of his houses and one of his cars if I needed to get away from all the stress of home. Having no idea what his real motives were, I passed, but a couple months later he had a business trip to Boston and so, I agreed to meet him. We met, hung out, and hit it off. Over the next few months, I flew out to LA, spent a good deal of time here, and the two of us became closer, but still just friends. Then back in Boston, I decided that being a 20 year old virgin was bordering on pathetic. For a while there, it seemed noble, but then... well. So I decided as much and then I came back out to LA. When I got here, I decided who better to de-virginize me than my best friend Larry. And so, he gave me my first blow job. (And, just for the record, he's been the only person to ever give me one.) That changed our relationship in ways I would have never guessed... but wait, here's the other part. On one hand, both he and I feel that a relationship with three people could really work. Now hold on, before you quit reading, just give me one more second. With three people, there are more interests to share and it allows for more space. It's pretty much the best of the dating world and the best of the relationship world at the same time. --We've dated a couple of guys, even had relationships with the three of us, and the "three" factor was never the one which caused the break-up. -- So, anyway, now Larry and I are looking for that third... That said, I should also be upfront and say that I've been grappling with the whole web site situation. On one hand, I want to put the red headed knight search back online as is, (Deciding what to do with it was one of the main delays for the redesign...) but I can't just forget about Larry. Arghhh... I'm hesitant to write anything down for fear that it will come back to haunt me... I guess, the most I can say is that I'd really like to meet you and we'll take it from there. My life path is not set and it can change at anytime. I'm not a slut, like I said, Larry's the only guy who's ever given me a blow job, so, no, I'm not looking for a quickie either... Like I said in my other letter, you seem pretty nearly perfect: I'd sincerely like to meet you, for coffee, lunch, whatever, so I hope you'll still me meet. And like I said above, go ahead and ask me whatever you like. I'll try to be as honest as I can.

Geez, I really hope you'll keep talking to me... I mean, just meet me in person before you make any hard and fast judgments... what have you got to loose by do that? *half-hearted smile*

OK, I'm feeling like I've lost you... back into the ether you go... but I hope not... if you need a few new pictures of me to whet your appetite, check out http://www.koool.com/pictures_of_me.html And if you're curious as to what Larry looks like, check out http://www.koool.com/who_are_these_people.html

Anyway, really hoping to hear from you soon,

Like I said in the letter, I'd been grappling with the red headed knight search. To be totally honest, I pretty much had the mindset of "Larry's nice enough, but if my perfect red headed knight comes along and finds my web site, I definitely want him to know that I'm still available." With Rob's letter, I knew that our exchanges were still in the world of ether, where inhibitions are null and no "real" harm could be done. I wanted him to know that Larry was there, to see if that seemed like a viable option to him, but I also wanted him to know that if that just didn't work, there was also the option of just me.

On the 20th, I got this response from Rob:


Wow. First off, thank you very much for your honesty, I am shocked and extremely impressed by it. Not many (most) men , would not have been so forthcoming. Secondly, No, you have not scared me away yet.

Ok, my turn. I will tell you that I have no interest in entering into a "three-some" realtionship. I am far too jealous to ever be able to pull something like that off. Old fashion...maybe..but, I just don't like to share my man. I do however believe that fate has a way of changing the way we view things so...who knows?? I would hope, in time, that the person I was interested in would develope the same feeling for me and would feel as uncomfortable as I about either of us being with anyone else.( Kinda one-sided huh..well I didn't say fate would necessarily change my view about monogamy)*smile*

One more "serious" note, if you are still interested, there is one more thing I would like you to know. Its kinda a big one so....here goes. I am a single parent, yep! I have a 5 year old son that lives with me. I am not str8, bi or clinging to the closet door so no worries there. I did know however, that I always wanted children, so..a very old friend of mine and I decided after about 2 years of talking about it, to have a child together. She is hhmm, I guess "bi" would be the best word. He stays with me during the week and visits her on weekends etc. Now I wonder if I have lost you..?? To me, my son is the best thing I have ever done in my entire life and truly a joy and gift from God. His mother and I have a good friendship and I have never had a problem going out, taking vacations, or felt that my lifestyle has been greatly altered. If anything it is better. It does not have to change or restrict a relationship, really!! Well, there you go, now I have this feeling that I won't ever hear from YOU again. I hope not, if that is the way your headed can I quote you a line from your letter to me.."just meet me in person before you make any hard and fast judgments..what have you got to loose??"

Off to a lighter subject. Yes, my weekend was almost heaven. The part that was lacking was someone I care for sharing it with me. Hhmm, what was I wearing..whisper "nothing", went swimming in the buff. Slept in the buff too. *teehee*

Going to Hawaii huh..kewl. Unfortunately, I am leaving the morning of the 7th. I have class that night so.. Not going to Disney this time. A friend of mine is playing in a tennis tournament in San Diego that weekend so I am going to be there to chear him on..whoop..whoop!! Hope to just spend some time relaxing at the beach, catching up with old friends etc.

Maybe, if your still interested, we can try to get together later on in the month. I am usually free from Friday thru Sunday, so let me know??

A sexy voice huh, then I think you really, really should call!! (hehe) How about chatting?? Do you have ICQ?? If so my # is ######. Then we could talk a little more spontaneously about whatever..umm comes up. (hehe again..feeling a little randy this mornin sorry)

Well, I have no idea how long this letter is but I do know that I have been sitting in front of the computer for about 45 minutes so ..I really should close. One more thought though, Larry is really the only one to have given you a blow job?? wow. Not to make light of your feeling for him, it is obvious that you both care about each other, but I have to say (in that typical male tone) Baby, you aint never had me yet!!! Just a little tease to lighten the mood..or tempt you futher into replying.

I do hope to hear from you again. When do you leave for Hawaii?? Are you going with Larry, well maybe I don't really want to know that so never mind. I do hope you have a great time, I know you will. I am going for 6 days to Maui in Sept. Take lots of pictures, I would love to see some of them. Take care and.....take that chance..don't give up on me just yet.

How to close, hmmm how bout a soft kiss on the cheek with an ever so quick brush of my hand against your crouch..opps (hehe).

Hope to hear from you soon,

He didn't go for the three-person relationship: That wasn't the response I'd planned for. No only that, but this letter had a much more "physical" quality to it. Rob was talking about things he was physically going to do to me. My little "online romance", as I'd come to think of it, was taking on a real life quality. Yet, he was still too far away to actually do anything...


No, you haven't scared me off... I don't have time right this moment to write much, but I recorded this little sound byte JUST FOR YOU!!! Waddya think? *grin*


P.S. I didn't know what to say... ;-)

Attachment: for_rob.wav

In the wave file, I said, "Hey Rob, This is Justin. No, you haven't scared me off just yet. So, uh, keep on in there, and I'll talk to ya soon. And, yeah, what happened to those pictures? So, uh, ok. Have fun. Bye!" (RealAudio Version). While I did take note that the e-mails were taking on a more real life tone, I couldn't help but wonder what those "just a bit revealing" pictures contained.

His response was not the pictures, but rather:


Glad to see that I haven't run you off yet. Sadly though, I have absolutely NO F*ing idea how to open and listen to your wav file. I am getting rather frustrated actually as I really wanted to hear your voice and what you had to say. Now it will haunt me until I figure it out. Sorry, just a little venting there, my mom is sitting here laughing atme right now for my lack of patience. Ok, better now. Anyway, the only way I have been able to listen to voice or wav files is thru ICQ or a "voice email". If you could maybe (please..please..please) resend through one of those or maybe offer some instructions as to how to listen to the file I would be most grateful.

Take care..and have a great weekend!!


Through his mail's subject headers, I found that he was using Netscape Mail For Windows 95. The next few mails we exchanged were primarily technical in nature so that he could play the sound clip. When that happened, he wrote:


Thank you very, VERY much for you help and patience. It worked. (whoop..whoop) Way to uumm.. koool!! What a sexy voice..yum. I didn't send you any pic's?? I thought I had, that I CAN rectify. I am however running late for work so I'll email ya later. Thanx again man..mmm..mmm. Better not say what I'm thinkg right now..hehe. Take it easy guy and I'll catch ya later.


He'd seen my pictures online and he got to hear my voice, but he didn't send the pictures. And so, I jokingly prodded, "Ok, I too have work I need to do, but come on big boy, keep me interested *laugh*". He responded:


Ok sexy, I know I have been dragging my feet about sending these other pic's to you, but the reason is that they don't leave very much if anything left to the imagination and I didn't want you thinking this is something that I "regularly" do..I don't. God, I can't believe that I am actually sending these to you. I do hope you like them and just to show that there is still some mystery left I will tell you that neither of the pic's show my tattoo's..hhmm?? Now you have a little something else to ponder. Enough procrastinating, here goes.

Take care, and do you even know how unbeliveably sexy your chest is, major turn ON!!


(P.S. If nothing else, the one pic will erase any doubt as to my being a natural red head..hehe.)

And that they did...


Yee-haa!!! My heart actually started racing while I was waiting for that Eudora "Retrieving Message" bar to cross the screen. And, well, I managed to elongate the anticipation by reading your message first, and then, when I double clicked Me0003.jpg (Yep, that's all it takes for an attachment in Eudora *grin*), well, I saw what looked like a VERY nice dick, but the guy it was attached to didn't quite appear to be red headed. And so, figuring that it probably wasn't the picture that would remove doubt about your red headed-ness, I clicked the other... and well. YEE-HAA!! Those red pubes are pretty darn koool, but, what I found even koooler were your legs. I know you said your legs were hairy, but that's HAIRY. And, geez, I pretty much get enough endorphins just from a red crotch... but a red crotch AND HAIRY legs would be enough to send me into a coma. :-) (Seriously, though, dude, don't want you to think that any ole guy with a crimson crotch will do. The red hair is just a preliminary, so to speak. If someone's a 10 on the physical scale, but a 3 on the mental, it won't work... (ok, ok, it might for a week or so, but after that, the mental part would just drive me insane *grin*) So, when you described both your physical and mental attributes in that first letter, I was more than a little impressed... you seemed to be the best of both. :-) OK, now back to the purely physical... (and loss of all decorum *smile*) I found your dick really attractive... *blush* It's a nice size and shape and well, I don't need to say anything about the pubes... and the amount of them makes it all the better. *blush* I mean, it's not something most people really talk about a lot, but dicks can either be attractive or not. One of my pet peeves is that it's straight... and yours is. So, in other words, my heart racing was very happy with what it found. But, I still have to say that, ya know, theoretically, if we were cuddling in bed, I'd start down at your feet and take my time moving up your legs before I even made it to your "underwear region". Yowza! Those legs.

OK, I guess it's my turn again... since you seem to think my chest is so sexy, here's another picture which shows it. It's a weird angle, but hopefully you'll like it: I don't really have that many pictures where I'm shirtless.

And is your name "Rob [Something]" or are you like Cher with one single, short one-syllable name?

Eagerly anticipating your next message,


Attachment: justin_on_bed_navel_up.jpg

This entry's getting extremely long, and by now, I think I've established that there was some pretty darn heavy virtual flirting going on. But after a while, I decided that I was feeling cheap. I wasn't me but rather, I was participating in a fantasy. The first of two postcards I sent Rob from Hawaii was about that... not the feeling cheap part, but about the distance from reality which had overtaken our e-mails. And even though I'd said it on the postcard, I re-iterated in an e-mail on the third of July, "P.S. Have you ever noticed how online relationships take on a life of their own... like some of the stuff we've said, I couldn't imagine saying that in real life... well, ok, but I would at least have to know you a while first... "

By the sixth, I still hadn't gotten any clear pictures of Rob's face. When he was telling me about his weekend, he wrote, "I actually went out last night, had a great time, got far too crazy. Maybe I can get a copy of the video and send it to you..hhmm??"

I could only imagine what was in the video, and so, I fired off a quick e-mail asking for "details." His response:


Details huh?? Ok, here goes. I went to the bar (which is 40 miles away), and met a few friends. We had a few drinks, I had a few more. They were playing great dance music so.. I hit the floor. As I was dancing these 5 real cute guys came in and started dancing close to me. After about 20 minutes, they took off their shirts, then climbed up on the stage. A friend of mine started dancing with me, and he told me that these guys always come in together and that they are straight, but like to tease all the guys. I said, "Straight huh?? Straight to bed maybe!!"

Anyway, I was kinda eyeing one of them and he smiled at me and motioned for me to come up on the stage with him. I shook my head and said Nooooo way dude, ain't gonna happen!! He jumped off the stage and picked me up and kinda handed me to his friend. Then he jumped back up and started to take off my shirt, as his friend reached around and started to undo my belt. He took my shirt and tucked it into the back of his pants as I was trying to keep my pants buttoned.

He bent over in front of me and was grinding his butt against my crotch, his friend is rubbing his hands all over my chest while rubbing his crotch against my butt. I had to pull away and he (the first guy) turns around, grabs me from behind, slides both his hands down my pants and starts playing with my dick while we're dancing. His friend gets behind him and another friend of theirs moves in front of me. (I don't think I have ever been teased that bad before in my life.)

Needless to say, we did some major dirty dancing for like the next half hour. Unbeknownst to me, the whole thing was being video taped. After I finally managed to seperate myself from them, and retrieve my shirt, I went to the back bar for some water. Just as I am getting off the bar stool to head back, I catch the TV screen and guess what, yep, it's us. 6 shirtless guys that look like they are practically fucking each other on stage. I swear I almost choked on my water. The even strager part is that we were all wearing "Joe Boxer" underwear. It almost looked as if it was staged or planned.

Anyway, after seeing that, I decided it was definately time to call it a night. The one cute guy did follow me out and asked me to go to an after hours party with him and his friends. I told him I am just an innocent country boy and that my momma warned me about guys like him, so I was sorry but I had to decline.

Well, I hope you don't think less of me now, I really wasn't that bad, and I really don't engage in casual sex. It was just a little, ok a lot, of heavy petting. (See, you tell me what "straight" boy would put his hands down another guys pants??)

I hope you have a safe flight home!! Hope to talk to you soon. Hey, I actually bought some film and a battery for my camera today. :-) Now, its only a matter of time till I will have some pic's for you.

Take care bud,


Yowza! What was I getting myself into? Two days later, I wrote:


Well, I admit it... I've been avoiding replying to your last letter... I guess I was using that "If you don't address it, it'll go away" mindset which never works...

OK, first things first (but don't lose heart). I read your letter and was pretty floored. All I could picture was you on some stage with your fly undone and some guy's hands down the front of your boxers, basically for the world to see. My warning sensors went on red alert and blared "SLUT! SLUT!" When I read that it had be video-ed... well, that only turned up the volume.

And so, I put off responding... meanwhile, last night, my friend/acquaintance from USC, Erik, came over. We were talking about things and he said he was "grinding" on the dance floor with some guy on his trip to New York City. I asked for more specifics and then asked if the guy's hands were in his shorts... I don't remember the words, but it could basically be summed up to "Absolutely not!" Erik's a jokingly self-admitted ho. When he seemed to indicate that hands in boxers on the dance floor was something HE wouldn't do, well, those warning bells went off again... and louder.

Tonight, I re-read your message. You said the guy was behind you and that he slipped his hands in. That wasn't as bad as I'd pictured, with your jean fly open and both his hands going in from the front. And I got to thinking about things, what would I do in the same situation. I know the idea of someone being attracted to you can be quite intoxicating. I know that there's a big part of me that's an exhibitionist. But I also know that there's a big part of me that keeps that exhibitionist at bay. So, yeah, I was stunned... but at the same time, if the situations had been reversed (and I wasn't overly self-conscious about taking my shirt off), I might have done the same thing. So there ya have it. I was stunned a bit, but I pulled myself back together and decided it wasn't all THAT bad... and I'm sure if I'd been the ones whose hands had gone down your boxers (or vice versa *wink*) I wouldn't have thought it was bad at all. I'm pretty sure I would have rather enjoyed it. :-)

Of course, I guess I should also say that this letter hit right after I'd been thinking that our little "online affair" had been almost purely physical. The first letters we exchanged were revealing of ourselves, but after that we both went straight for the gusto. Sure, it was fun, but I got to feeling cheap. I want to see your FACE. I want to know what you'd do on your perfect FIRST date. I want to know if your parents know you're gay. I want to know about you. In a "Justin, Tell Me All You Know About Rob" game, it would be 90% about your physical person below your waist. These are the dangers of online romance... that's what I sort of wrote on that postcard. If you could speak to me face to face, what would you say?

To you...
Yes, my parents know I'm gay... the day that we arrived in Hawaii, my mom thanked me for taking her and cried... do you know what a great feeling it was to know that I'd made my mom so happy that she cried... I grew up the Brady Bunch/Cleaver household. My parents were both previously married then got together and had my brother and myself. For the past 22 years, they've been happily together and I can't remember a day where my parents didn't love each other immensely. In fact, they made quite the standard for me to emulate... no cussing, no smoking, no drinking. I love them and can trace a lot of who I am back to who they are... both the good and the bad. I want to be able to do that with a partner as well. A relationship is about affecting the other, changing the other, not through intention, but through being. I do a thing where I pick up people's mannerisms when I like them. They don't try to make a face, a smile, or a gesture that I'll copy, but I do because I think they're koool and want to be like them. That's what relationships are about. And dude, I'm not blaming you for anything... this letter's not about that either... the carnal nature of things is due primarily to this medium...

Stuff like that, stuff where I can really see who that guy at the other end of the keyboard is. I tried to open up and let you see a little deeper inside me. You've got the advantage of the diary as well... there's a lot of me in there... both written and between the lines... and I want to know who you are. Your crotch passes the test; that's good for a week at most... what else do you have to offer? Come on, tell me about you. Express yourself to me. Knock my socks off... figuratively.

Hoping you understand,


Well, Rob responded... and knocked my socks off... figuratively. He told me about his family, about himself. He'd given me what I'd wanted and so, I gave him what he wanted: a phone call.

We talked for almost an hour... but during the conversation, when we talked about possibly meeting and about my relationship with Larry, I realized that there was no way that I was going to let this online fantasy cross into the medium of reality without Larry. Before, the online e-mails had never gotten this far. I got a "Hey I'm Red Headed And You're Cute" e-mail and I responded: That was the last I ever heard. I always thought I'd "introduce" myself and when the time was right, I'd introduce the idea of Larry. It seemed a much easier "sell." But this time the e-mails continued until there was a strong possiblity that it could move over into reality... and if he'd wanted to meet Larry, that would have been great. If the e-mails had been less sexual in nature/more of a "Let's Be Friends", I might have even met him... but they weren't. And when push came to shove, I realized that Larry's the guy I love. He's much more than a "good enough" guy. Even if Mr. Seemingly Perfect walked up and said "Hey Cutie," I wouldn't leave Larry to pursue him. With Rob back in Boston, it was always that way and I never even feigned otherwise. With Larry, I knew we were seemingly married, but I always thought that Mr. Seemingly Perfect could get me at any time... but now I know that won't happen. The only thing that'll affect my relationship with Larry is something within my relationship with Larry. I mean, we may break up, but it'll be due to something between us. I mean, it doesn't sound like a big revelation here, but to me, I realized something that I thought was totally the opposite. I love Larry.

It was Wednesday when I realized this. Since then, I've been almost euphoric... and I think that euphemism has passed on to Larry. In the days since he got back from Hawaii, we've gotten along great... and I'm happy. It's been so long since I've been genuinely happy with my life, my situation. It's a great feeling.

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© 1997 Justin Clouse


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