Justin's Life... February 1998

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February 23, 1998 - Monday


It's gone...

See, I emotionally exhausted myself in the entries that were above. I spent hours, writing, clarifying, explaining. I really opened up and was as honest as I could possibly be. I gave as much as I could possibly give, finishing the day's entry with a paragraph that started, "do you guys have any idea how complicated (yet great) it is to write your thoughts for the world and those around you to see? It's frustrating, limiting, and completely liberating all at the same time." I talked about how much of myself the diary took and even said, "by writing everything here, I say things I would almost never say directly to someone"... and it just wasn't good enough. I got letter after letter asking me to explain myself more precisely and to justify myself. For three years, I've written about nearly every detail of my life online, exposing myself for the world to see, and yesterday, I wanted to pull it all with such vehemence that it's amazing it's still here. I really felt like I was being attacked... It seems that popular opinion holds the notion that I'm under some contractual (even legal) obligation to write intimate details about my life for the world to read, and you guys are free to question, probe, and rip me to shreds anytime you feel like it, no matter how much I've given already. That is not the case... as with anything open and honest, it is also fragile and may break if treated too roughly.

Without getting too worked up to explain why the 98feb2.html page is gone, I'll simply quote the e-mail I wrote Jim yesterday:

My emotions have run the gamut today... but right now, anger is the one most prevalent. I wrote my heart out in the diary today and instead of getting "You're doing a great job. Thanks for expressing/explaining yourself" type of letters, I got a bunch asking details, having me justify myself in every possible form and fashion. I mean, it just really pisses me off that people who I'd bet aren't nearly half as honest with themselves, let alone others, as I am, are picking me apart. Right now, I wish I could just disappear... like Sean. He does stuff ten times worse than I'd ever think about doing and yet he has no one to answer to. Part of me would love to go off in seclusion, do whatever "bad boy" things I wanted, and you know, just have the anonymousness that he possesses. (For example, when he came here, NO ONE knew where he was. Not his mom, not his roommates, no one. That allusiveness has an alluring quality...)

It's amazing... I'm actually at the point where I feel like pulling the entire diary. I emotionally exhaust myself, writing every nook and cranny detail of my life... and it's not good enough. Perhaps it's my own fault for asking for comments a day or so ago... but it really amazes me that guys have written asking "But how come..." Or "Don't you think..." Or "What do you consider..." Or "Do you really believe deep in your heart that..." or stuff like:

I have several questions regarding your diary entries.  For one,  it seems to me like your current relationship is of transient type until you find someone better.  At least,  this is the impression I get.  Is there any jealousy / resentment between you two?  Also,  considering the age difference,  don't you feel like you're missing something?   I notice in my life that I'm very picky with whom I hang around with.  Especially how they carry themselves,  and the age does have a say.  Have you ever questioned your current relationship?

Where do guys like that get off?

Sorry... I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. :-)


That letter only partially captures the intensity of the feelings I had yesterday. I mean, I wrote all that I possibly could. I was honestly emotionally and physically exhausted after writing everything then I was bombarded by e-mails asking for more. I can only give what I can give. I mean, why should I let strangers criticize my life? Why should I let them make me feel like shit? Those are the questions I was asking myself yesterday and am still asking now. And so, I'm taking a break. The 98feb2.html entries are gone for the time being. They may return. They may not. All I know for certain is that there won't be another entry until Spring Break, March 9th.

Click here to move on to the next set of entries.

© 1998 Justin Clouse


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