Justin's Life... July 3rd - 10th, 1999

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July 3, 1999 - Saturday


I haven't really written about much lately, but that's not to indicate I'm not busy.

In short, I've been spending most of my time:

  • Relearning French

    When I went to Boston U., the foreign language requirement for my major (Communication) was two college semesters or the equivalent. I took the placement test there, tested into the second semester, and finished the requirement.

    When I transferred to USC, the foreign language requirement was three college semesters or the equivalent. Knowing that I'd forgotten a lot during my year off from school (and that a placement test was required irregardless of transferred units), I opted to wait until the last possible time to take French again. So I'm now, through a CD-ROM set, relearning French to hopefully place in the third semester class or test out of it completely. Worse case scenario, I take the placement test and am gauged at the second semester level... which could mean that I have to spend a whole 'nuther semester taking French. (But I don't think that's going to happen.)

    So, at three chapters a week, I'm spending a good chunk of time relearning French... et je la deteste.

  • Redesigning the site

    About once every two years, I redesign the site from the ground up. This time I'm going overboard and JustinsLife.com is becoming its own sub site... as is one currently planned at RedHeadedMen.com. I had hoped to have JustinsLife.com completed by now, but it's still a week or so away. (And I'm fairly certain no part (no sub sites) will debut until the complete redesign is finished.)

    In short, that means that I'll still be engulfed for a while before any visible changes are seen here.

  • Working with a programmer for my new business

    Several entire mornings, afternoons, or evenings are spent reviewing the temporarily-fired programmer's progress and writing detailed responses about what needs to be changed.

    It's theoretically supposed to be finished in two weeks, which I doubt, but progress is being made and he seems to be understanding the concept.

Not the most interesting stuff to write about here, but a big part of my life lately nonetheless.

July 4, 1999 - Sunday - Independence Day


Friday afternoon, Larry, Kathleen (a friend of Larry's in the music industry whom I've mentioned before), Katie, Spencer, and I headed towards the ranch for a relaxing Fourth Of July weekend. I drove the van with the kids while Larry drove Kathleen's car, so I spent most of the trip being aggravated by the stop-and-go holiday traffic and just thinking about various odds and ends.

When we finally arrived in town, about one and a half times the normal trip time later, we stopped at the grocery store before going on to the house... and to be honest, I was a tad intimidated shopping with Kathleen. I don't really find myself intimidated/embarrassed that often, especially not about trivial stuff like grocery shopping, but Kathleen's all of 105 pounds, if that, and she just has an heir about her. She wears $2000 outfits and deals with the likes of Mariah Carey. Not snooty, but sophisticated... and my penchant for artificially flavored foods isn't "sophisticated" to say the least.

Even worse, I was in the mood for hardcore unhealthy/junk food... stuff like bacon. So, at first I got a loaf of white bread and returned to the cart with a packet of pre-sliced turkey. While not "healthy", it wasn't "junk", so I put it in without too much hesitation.

I walked around the store with everyone and the cart for a few aisles then left again... back to the bacon aisle. Bacon was what I really wanted... so I looked at it, picked a package up, put it back, walked around a bit... then eventually just decided what the heck and took a pack back to the cart. The world did not end. The grocery store did not get hit by lightning. Nothing unusual happened, and I dare say that Kathleen couldn't have cared less.

I think coming out is a similar process. I knew what I really wanted, but I was afraid of what someone would think. I went through my virtual "bisexual" phase (which a lot of guys go through before deciding that they're indeed gay) where I picked up the bread and turkey. I knew it wasn't what Kathleen would eat, but I knew it wasn't too much of a deviation. And then I hesitated with bacon for a bit before finally just deciding to go for it... and when I went for it, no one cared.

My fear of admitting that I wanted the bacon may seem pretty stupid to me now... but I know it was real, and I know that I kept that fear even a bit after I put it in the cart. Do you realize how crazy that is? How I was worried that my wanting bacon would make her disapprove of me? Yet coming out really is similar in more ways than most non-out gay guys would believe. Sure, no one's ever gotten beaten up because of eating bacon, but the number of times gay guys have come out to the number of times they've gotten beaten up is infinitesimal.

Anyway, I hadn't intended on writing that here or even on making a point... and I didn't even realize it until I wrote it now. I was more going to focus on the pool and stealth bomber flybys which happened the next day. But it is something to think about.


Early yesterday morning, Larry, Katie, Spencer, Kathleen, and I gathered on the deck to watch the stealth bombers that were scheduled to fly through the valley. I had doubts as to whether they'd actually appear, as I'd heard that all sorts of air shows involving military planes had been indefinitely suspended after a not too long ago crash. Yet, not five minutes after we went outside, we began to hear a roar and soon saw:

Stealth Bomber

Actually, there were two of them, and they flew around the valley perimeter and quickly by the house before disappearing along the horizon. Larry was impressed with the precision maneuverability, but all I could think was that I'd be really scared if I were in Kosovo or the like and saw/heard them flying overhead.


Yesterday afternoon, Larry said he was going to take Spencer and Katie to the pool while Kathleen took a nap. Normally, I always stay here at the house (to take a break from family life) when he goes to the pool with them, but as I didn't get my normal two hours of talking during the drive here and as I hadn't seen him much without Kathleen, I said that I'd come along if he wanted.

So the four of us went to the pool, and Katie swam while Larry and I sat with Spencer along the side. Yet as nothing terribly interesting/new has been happening lately, I didn't really have anything that I needed to tell him (as I pretty much tell him which French lesson I did and what happened with the programmer on a daily basis). Instead we placated Katie's "Watch me do this..." need and observed the scenery as we intermittently talked about nothing in particular.

That said, in particular, we noticed a lady at the pool who was showcasing her wares in a metallic orange swimsuit and a group of high school age kids clustered in the pool.

Most of the high school age kids were guys, but a couple girls were there as well, so the guys were showing off. As the cluster moved from our side of the pool to the other, I heard one guy say something about getting a blow job as a consolation and then a little later, I noticed the blond guy going to the shallow end to show his pubes to one of the girls (to no doubt confirm his status as a blond or that he dyed them as well). I even caught the tail end of what must have been one of the guys unbuttoning one of the girls bikini tops (as she was fidgeting with the strap behind her neck and one of the guys playfully yelled to the lifeguard that the girl was exposing herself in the pool). They were having fun, and I was envious. It was that innocent fun that high school kids can have... that you can't have once your out as gay (and probably not even as an adult if I really think about it). But the guy/girl difference definitely adds something to the mix that simply cannot be recreated with only guys. I mean, given the choice, I'm certain that I'd choose to still be gay, but when straight guys and girls interact, there's a level of flirtation that just isn't there in a group of gay guys only.

If I were swimming around with a cluster of guys in the pool, I'd know that if I wanted, I could probably see his dick. There would be no question, no doubt whatsoever. If I wanted, he'd show (gay, straight, whatever). Yet girls are much more reluctant (on the whole) to simply show their stuff. There's a question... will she show? There's a challenge. There's the thrill of the hunt and the possibility of defeat. It's the same reason that HBO late night is more appealing than a porno. There's the chance... will they show his dick or won't they? With a porno, it's a guarantee. With the sexism in late night cable, it's more likely that they won't... the thrill of the hunt is a big thrill. A sure thing can be nice, but a challenge can be even better.

So, anyway, I was sitting there watching the guys, somehow wishing that I could magically be part of them, somehow wishing that I belonged to that group, somehow not worrying about French or business or anything. Wishing that I was somehow so caught up in the moment that I forgot everything.

But I doubt I'll ever have that in my life. My brain is constantly on. I think and think and think and have a hard time just relaxing. I can get laughing cross-eyed drunk, yet I could still explain how to program your VCR, write the HTML for a web page, or download pictures off of your new digital camera (which is, by the way, why the pictures are here... because of a new digital camera). I just can't shut my brain off. I never could... and sometimes I'm really jealous of guys going to a community college who surf on the weekend and haven't a care in the world. I know I need to "stop and smell the roses", but I can't. I'm too busy trying to start a business, get a 3.7+ GPA at USC, and figure out what I'm doing next.


I've had five shots in less than thirty minutes of Captain Morgan rum and I'm now pretty drunk... but I can still tell you that how to program your VCR. I can still tell you that to make something bold in html you use <b> to start the tag and </b> to stop the tag, and I'm still fairly coherent... but I will tell you that I can hardly type and I'm having a hard time typing without errors. My point, though, is that I'm still coherent after five shots... still thinking... but, ok, I admit it, less than if I hadn't drunk the five shots of 70 proof rum.


I've had nearly seven shots now, in less than an hour and fifteen minutes, and I am completely drunk. I must say, though, that I'm not worrying about anything. So I guess I was wrong about the worrying when totally drunk thing. I'm totally drunk, which I find novel... and writing the diary, but I am NOT worried about anything... I can barely type... and am having MANY more typos than normal, so I was wrong.

If I drink much more, I'm going to puke... and I may puke now anyway, so I think I'll stop. But it was an interesting "experiment".

July 5, 1999 - Monday


Right after typing that last entry, I went to the bed to lay down. The room, however, was spinning, so I wasn't there long before running to the toilet and throwing up. Five minutes later, I was back in the bed and asleep... and didn't really wake up until this morning.

I really thought I'd be more concerned with things when I was drunk, but I guess seven shots is a lot more than an occassional mixed drink or two during a weekend dinner. Needless to say, though, I won't be getting drunk like that to drown my sorrows anytime soon.

July 7, 1999 - Wednesday


I am so tired of the site redesign. It seems like I've been working forever on it, and I'm at a creative low. I've been sitting here at this damn computer for day after day after day, and I'm just not in the mood.


ARGH! I'm in a bad mood... and I haven't a clue as to why. I'm just really pissed off at nothing in particular, which I know makes no sense, but if I could make sense of it, I could probably talk myself out it.

Anyway, I'm in a bad mood, so take any comments today with such notice.


While still not in a good mood, I am in better spirits now. Sometimes I think I get pissed at myself for trying to do the impossible. Though I wasn't in the best mood to start, today's web page was one which was to summarize my life (as to bring those of you joining the "show already in progress" up to speed without having to read the entire four years already online). But trying to summarize entire months down to one paragraph isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to you. I mean, could you even summarize your past week into a paragraph and feel like you really said something? I know I tried, and I know I couldn't.

So, anyway, that page has been partially scrapped.

Another reason I got frustrated with the web site redesign was a page which was to describe and explain my fascination/fixation/obsession with red heads. Take one of your favorite things and try to explain why you like it. Why do you like Vanilla ice cream? Why do you like Pepsi? Why do you like clear blue skies? Explain any of those without downing something else. If you were going to explain why you like Vanilla ice cream, you'd compare it to the other flavors, most likely chocolate. If you were going to explain why you like Pepsi, you'd compare it to other beverages, most likely Coke. And if you were going to explain why you like clear blue skies, you'd do so by comparing it to the negatives of dark, stormy skies.

Yet I don't dislike brunettes, or blondes, or black haired guys. So how can I possibly explain why I like red heads. I just know that I do. I just know that I literally become intoxicated when a cute red head is around. I've seen the pictures. I'm as gone as if I'd had five shots.

So, I've yet to decide what I'm going to do with that page.

Anyway, tonight Larry has set up a meeting with two guys that are around my age and a couple. That's about all I know, but I've shaved, showered, and dressed up in my Abercrombie and Fitch wear. I debated whether I was going to shave and change clothes, as it's not that kind of rendez-vous, but I figured that I can at least give a good first impression... because if they stick around, they'll have plenty of opportunity to see me unshaven and wearing shirts from the Warner Bros. store .

July 9, 1999 - Friday


I had such an UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME time today that I'm still glowing and it's nearly five hours later. Five hours later and I'm still just as giddy as I was the whole day long. It was awesome, amazingly awesome, totally superbly freakingly amazingly awesome... but I can't really tell you about it.

It's a top secret business dealing in which I'm partners with other people, so I can't give you the specifics, but suffice it to say that an ex-employee of Larry's named Mo and I had an amazingly awesome day looking at naked men. Not pictures of naked men, but real life naked men.

See, with as much detail as I can reveal and admittedly lacking in details that I cannot reveal, we were at a casting call for a nude yet non-sexual video shoot. Guys came in, we talked to them, and then they dropped their drawers. A few of the guys were old pros, one bringing in a copy of "In Touch" (a gay porn magazine) in which he appeared as a model and one saying he'd "never done anything this softcore before", but the guys who were completely new to appearing nude in front of a camera were so much fun to deal with that Mo and I were smiling and laughing and just enjoying ourselves like you can't imagine. One adorably straight high school football playing guy (now 20) was just in from Boston, another ex-Marine had a full on hard on when he dropped his pants (more than enough to keep me thinking about him now at 12:32AM (remember, it was a casting call for a non-sexual nude video shoot)), and another was so nervous that he shook when it came time for the pants dropped test photo (but he still did it).

As I wrote Mo (a straight gal, btw):

I just wanted to let you know that I had a MAJORLY excellent time today... it was so great just cutting up with you, getting the boys to drop their drawers, and well, [the ex-Marine's name] and [the nervous guy's name]... I'd be looking at their photos right now if it weren't for the fact that I'm on a plane and Katie's right next to me. Geez... I still can't believe [the ex-Marine]'s was standing at attention when he dropped them... not fluffy, but a full hard on. Yee-dawgies... and [the nervous guy] was so damn cute, especially when he was shaking 'cause he was so nervous. I should probably know better, but wow, it was just such a FREAKIN' AWESOME DAY. I had the most fun I've had in a long while... and don't feel guilty afterwards whatsoever. ;-)

Anyway, I really just wanted to thank you for being there. It was nice sharing the "vaclemt"-ness and the oh-my-gosh-get-him-the-heck-outta-here's with you. Do you know if you have a program that unzips ZIP files? I'll send you the pictures, zipped together, and also in a self-decompressing format for your viewing pleasure... yee-dawgies, I'm still thinking about [the ex-Marine's name]... or whatever the heck his name was. ;-)

Talk to you soon,
Your first e-mail from the sky,

Even the you're-totally-gross-and-don't-have-a-chance-of-being-called-back guys were fun, as Mo and I completely agreed on them as well. It was just such a freakingly awesome day. It was great, in nearly every form and fashion. Wow. Words just don't do it justice.

July 10, 1999 - Saturday

7:02PM - Eastern Time

As the saying goes, for every action, there's a an equal and opposite reaction. Of course, the reaction to yesterday could be the major case of blue balls I had the remainder of the plane flight, but moreso the antithesis to yesterday has been today.

See, Larry, Katie, and I flew back to Ohio for his 30th class reunion. For those of you just joining us, I'm 23... my parents didn't even know each other the last time most of these people at the reunion would have seen one another.

So, anyway, having never been to Larry's mom's house and knowing the general mindset of the forty-something year old folks in Ohio who would be at the reunion, I was a little apprehensive about the trip. Nothing major, but I knew that Larry's childhood wasn't great, and that he didn't have a close relationship with his mother... and I knew I was always Larry's "friend" during the once-every-few-months phone call. (Larry'd also said that he had a crazy brother, but I didn't give that much thought at all. We all say, "He's the crazy one" when referring to someone in our families, and they're always just slightly off kilter, but nothing major.)

And to be honest, I figured while his childhood was less than ideal, I've never personally known anyone who's childhood was anything less than a semi-amicable divorce where the parents still loved the kids dearly.

So, we get here early this morning, and Larry's mom doesn't even give him a hug. She hasn't seen him in at least a year, and not even a hug, not a "how are you", not a... nothing. She asked a few questions, but none that showed any real concern. Not even a "how was the flight?" And if that's the way she feels about her own son, I can only imagine how she must feel about me, his "friend". (My mom's just the opposite, hugging, talking non-stop, and making sure your every needed is attended.)

So, anyway, it's early and we're tired as we took the red eye and hadn't slept but a little on the plane. So Larry says we're going to all take a nap, and we retire off to one room while Katie sleeps on the couch.

When we awake at around 2PM, Larry says he thinks he heard his crazy brother in the other room, but that he must have left because he hadn't heard him in a while. We listen for a few seconds and a loud male voice again comes from the other room. He was here.

So we go outside and I sit down at the kitchen table with his brother... and let me just say that when Larry said he had a crazy brother, he wasn't saying "He's the crazy one" like we all say. Larry's brother was telling me about psychics, scientists, and the merits of kerosene lamps. He was telling me about planet alignment on May 5, 2000, about earthquakes, and about the warming of the seas. Add various ways the government wasn't letting people know that an earthquake moved Los Angeles 1/200th of an inch in relation to the mirror placed on the moon and some talk about how potholes were appearing and volcanoes were going to explode, and you've got his brother. Of course, stopping there would leave out the whole glimmer in his eyes and smile on his face that made the inner monologue voice over say:

"Heaven's Gate... Party of One, Heaven's Gate... Party of One"

Needless to say, Larry didn't save me from the lunacies spouted forth, as he explained said, "so that I could get the full effect", and I graciously listened and agreed to whatever he (the brother) had to say.

Of course, during our conversation, Larry's mom would loudly interject questions of no real importance or relevance, like "What's your major at school?", at a rate of about one per five minutes.

Soon enough, though, it was time to go to meet one of Larry's best friends in high school, Harry, and the three of us were off in the car on the way to the Holiday Inn. We found his room, talked to him a bit, with Larry and he catching up on the "Remember so-and-so"'s, and then the four of us took out driving around town.

Larry and Harry pointed out various places things had occurred in their past, places played, papers delivered, and friends known, and then we went to the church to catch the tail end of mass, which was where everyone was to meet before the reunion activities were to begin.

At around 5:45PM, people started exiting the church and Harry & Larry started recognizing faces. After shaking hands with Larry & Harry, Larry would introduce Katie and me. Some no doubt thought I was his son and others obviously knew better. A few of those that knew better did anything not to look me in the eye while shaking my hand, and if you have any doubt how it feels to have someone shake your hand while not looking at you, it's probably because it's never happened... because if it did, you would remember it.

Walking along with the Class of 1969, I definitely felt out of place. I think no more than five other people brought spouses and no one brought children. Yet Katie's still at that age where she didn't quite appreciate the uniqueness of the situation or the fact that she was the only child in attendance. I, however, was without the benefit of such ignorance. Sure, a few people seemed nice, but a couple of people were real bitches. No one said anything, but you could just tell that my presence wasn't welcome. And, believe it or not, it was exclusively women who made me feel that way. The guys shook my hand, said hello, and even talked to me in brief, but the two women that shook my hand while not looking at me were more insulting than if someone had yelled, "Fucking faggot. Get out of here. We don't want you here."

By the time the mass of twenty to forty people had walked most of the halls of the old school, I was at the point of near tears. I was uncomfortable at Larry's mom's house, and I was extremely uncomfortable with the reunion people. I was running everything in my head from checking into the Holiday Inn to taking Katie to some sort of Chuck E Cheese's place just to get away. I needed a safety space and was completely without one.

I said something like, "I think Katie and I'll take the car to go somewhere like Chuck E. Cheese." Larry responded with something like I should go to the dinner, and I, in turn, said that "I think" was not a question, but an "I AM" because I wasn't "fitting in". Katie responded that she was going to stay with her daddy. Not even Katie wanted to be with me.

Larry then said something about me not being able to drive the rental car. Talk about wanting to walk out the door and not stop until I got on a plane to Kentucky. I'm at the point of near crying because I'm so uncomfortable, and he's worried about the fucking car rental agreement.

So, I just told him, in a half teary voice, to stop talking about it or I was going to start crying. When we got back in the car shortly thereafter, I asked where we were supposedly going then said he needed to take me back to the house first. Here at the house he asked if there was any possibility of talking me into going to the dinner. I said it was much more likely that I was going to say that I was going to drop them back off at the hotel and take the car. A minute or two later, Katie, Harry, and Larry were back off to the reunion dinner. Larry did call shortly after leaving, though, to say that I could drive his mom's care wherever I wanted to go. I simply said, "No."

8:40PM - Eastern Time

During the course of writing this, sitting here in the living room on my laptop, listening to MP3 files, Larry's mom came in and started talking. It was a difficult conversation, but I could appreciate she was making the effort... and I don't think my gender mattered in the conversation we had. It's just the woman that she is; not a communicator and not affectionate. At least I feel better now... she, too, offered to let me take her car somewhere if I wanted.

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